Daddy's trying to adjust, but it's taking time
It hasn't been easy the last couple days for me here.
Not only have I not slept through the night since I arrived, I got that cold early last week and have felt either under the weather, doped up on meds, and always tired a lot of the trip.
Then the children arrived.
At first everything was fine. But after the third night in a cramped hotel room with them and all the things associated with two small kids, I was struggling with my nerves. This is a stressful time for any adoptive parent, but adopting two and then being stuck in foreign hotel rooms for what will be nearly a week is difficult.
I had a bad night Saturday and worse Sunday with nerves and stress. I'm sure my body is pretty broken down anyway, given the sleep and health issues ... but I found myself awake at night wondering if this was the right thing after all. I never wanted to grow old and not have experienced being a father -- and I so desperately wanted Fran to be a mother -- but I questioned Sunday night whether I was the right kind of person to be a father. I'm organized, neat, have low tolerance for disobedience (probbably a trait I got my from my father), and tend to avoid chaos and loud situations. I knew that children weren't any of these things, but perhaps getting them both at the same time, being stuck in a hotel room with little place to go to find a little peace occasionally, and my health all had me second-guessing everything.
Probably what triggered my reaction the most was Yana's occassional bad behavior. I watched her misbehave -- hit her brother, throw something, do something she was told not to do -- and then not follow directions from Fran, which I found completely unacceptable ... although I knew she was only 2. But I think as I watched her go through these things, II remember what our doctor told us Sunday morning at the hotel, that she has a mother who drank and though she doesn't have FAS she may have FAE ... but it was way too soon to know. we felt that due to her intelligence, she was likely to have little or no effects from her nother's drinking, but he warned us that intelligence has nothing to fo with whether a child will wind up with some instances of FAE.
I guess that just stuck with me for a long time Sunday as I watched Yana. For most of the day, she was fine, but then she'd have a moment or two where she'd need a timeout, and she didn't seem to understand that she had done something wrong. Again, that's the way it is with 2-year-olds, I just hadn't been around them much. And so I thought we had adopted a child who suddenly was exhibiting all the symptoms of a child with long-term behavioral issues -- after we had our court date and it was too late to change our mind.
Her behavior had me so wound up with stress, that I was sick from it Sunday night. What had we done? I had all these horrible thoughts that tormented me. I was sick and emotionally a wreck. I woke Fran up in the middle of the night to talk about it.
But then something happened Monday. Fran spoke with me about her experience with her 2-year-old nephew, who did the same things as Yana only worse. She shared with me information from medical journals on 2-year-old behavior, and that everything Yana was doing was perfectly normal for an even healthy child ... they just go through these things. And Yana on Monday didn't have such a bad day. The word 'no' started to sink in a little more, she didn't push or shove her little brother, and actually did a ton of things to help her brother and her parents through their day. Yes, she did have a couple of timeout moments again, but not as many as Sunday. And I began to look at these acts as less a signal of FAE and more of a natual stage for a two year old.
I'm feeling better today. I'm still awake in the middle of the night, still not eating well, feeling claustrophobic.
But I'm not as worried about Yana. And that's helping me adjust to the chaos a little better.
I'm still not sure how I am going to adjust to all the things that children present that are contrary to the way I like to live my life. But I'm guessing I'm not the first dad to feel that way.
And I have Fran to help me make it through.
Not only have I not slept through the night since I arrived, I got that cold early last week and have felt either under the weather, doped up on meds, and always tired a lot of the trip.
Then the children arrived.
At first everything was fine. But after the third night in a cramped hotel room with them and all the things associated with two small kids, I was struggling with my nerves. This is a stressful time for any adoptive parent, but adopting two and then being stuck in foreign hotel rooms for what will be nearly a week is difficult.
I had a bad night Saturday and worse Sunday with nerves and stress. I'm sure my body is pretty broken down anyway, given the sleep and health issues ... but I found myself awake at night wondering if this was the right thing after all. I never wanted to grow old and not have experienced being a father -- and I so desperately wanted Fran to be a mother -- but I questioned Sunday night whether I was the right kind of person to be a father. I'm organized, neat, have low tolerance for disobedience (probbably a trait I got my from my father), and tend to avoid chaos and loud situations. I knew that children weren't any of these things, but perhaps getting them both at the same time, being stuck in a hotel room with little place to go to find a little peace occasionally, and my health all had me second-guessing everything.
Probably what triggered my reaction the most was Yana's occassional bad behavior. I watched her misbehave -- hit her brother, throw something, do something she was told not to do -- and then not follow directions from Fran, which I found completely unacceptable ... although I knew she was only 2. But I think as I watched her go through these things, II remember what our doctor told us Sunday morning at the hotel, that she has a mother who drank and though she doesn't have FAS she may have FAE ... but it was way too soon to know. we felt that due to her intelligence, she was likely to have little or no effects from her nother's drinking, but he warned us that intelligence has nothing to fo with whether a child will wind up with some instances of FAE.
I guess that just stuck with me for a long time Sunday as I watched Yana. For most of the day, she was fine, but then she'd have a moment or two where she'd need a timeout, and she didn't seem to understand that she had done something wrong. Again, that's the way it is with 2-year-olds, I just hadn't been around them much. And so I thought we had adopted a child who suddenly was exhibiting all the symptoms of a child with long-term behavioral issues -- after we had our court date and it was too late to change our mind.
Her behavior had me so wound up with stress, that I was sick from it Sunday night. What had we done? I had all these horrible thoughts that tormented me. I was sick and emotionally a wreck. I woke Fran up in the middle of the night to talk about it.
But then something happened Monday. Fran spoke with me about her experience with her 2-year-old nephew, who did the same things as Yana only worse. She shared with me information from medical journals on 2-year-old behavior, and that everything Yana was doing was perfectly normal for an even healthy child ... they just go through these things. And Yana on Monday didn't have such a bad day. The word 'no' started to sink in a little more, she didn't push or shove her little brother, and actually did a ton of things to help her brother and her parents through their day. Yes, she did have a couple of timeout moments again, but not as many as Sunday. And I began to look at these acts as less a signal of FAE and more of a natual stage for a two year old.
I'm feeling better today. I'm still awake in the middle of the night, still not eating well, feeling claustrophobic.
But I'm not as worried about Yana. And that's helping me adjust to the chaos a little better.
I'm still not sure how I am going to adjust to all the things that children present that are contrary to the way I like to live my life. But I'm guessing I'm not the first dad to feel that way.
And I have Fran to help me make it through.
posted by The LeForts | 4:05 PM
2 Comments:
Mikel and fran....do not fret. It is so normal for children of that age to act in such a manner. For a few years you will struggle with one sort of issue or another regarding these growing children. They are constantly growing and learning to exert their independence....and you all have given the two of them the opportunity to become beautiful children and grow to be wonderful adults. I have a plaque in my kitchen that reads " This too shall pass...now would be good" You will learn ways to give yourself "time outs" as well to get you thru the rough spots! I also am sure that the two of them...Yana especially because she is older...are acting out as thier lives have been uprooted. The hugs and comfort and support you give them will make them feel safer along the way and soon....they will be in your hearts in a way you probably never imagined.
Have a safe trip home....it is an adventure, but one so well worth it!
I can't imagine how challenging it would be getting two toddlers at once! I think everything you're feeling is normal. And, it sounds like Yana is being the perfect 2-year-old. If she's only getting a few time-outs a day, that's quite impressive. Sometimes, Elizabeth is in timeout a couple times before 8 a.m. : )
Don't be so hard on yourself. This is indeed a stressful time, and will take you all awhile to adjust. All four of you have just had your lives dramatically change. And, I'm sure there will be additional challenges for the kids once you arrive in the U.S.
There will be tantrums that will make you think Yana is surely setting a new world record (for holding her breath, screaming, etc..). And, then you'll have those priceless moments like the bath photo, the sippy cup moment, and the countless other moments to be determined.
Once you get back in the U.S. and at home, it'll be easier to cope. At least then you and Fran can take turns. If the kids are rowdy, one of you can take a break and go in another room. That's impossible to do in cramped hotel room.
Take Care!
Lisa Shidler
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